Yesterday marked the one-year anniversary of Mom's death.
This is not a year I would ever go through willingly again. This is not a year I would ever wish on anyone else. This has been, in my opinion, a year of lessening degrees of hell and learning to live within them.
Does time make it better? Unquestionably, yes. This time last year my heart was torn in two. During the year I've struggled with thoughts of anger, depression, hopelessness - grief at its finest. And slowly, painfully, my heart has knit back together - in a fashion. It still has very sore areas and a huge scar, but it is healing. It will never be the same as it was.
My relationship with God has suffered as well. We weren't on speaking terms for a long, long time. I couldn't figure out why He had allowed this to happen - what purpose there was in Mom's suffering and death. Sure, Mom was no saint and neither am I. But does that mean she had to die because of it?
That was a hard one to work out. And to tell you the truth, I'm still working on it. God? He's waiting for me to finally find the answer and come back. Or not to find the answer and to trust Him anyway. All I can say is that it's taking the hurt a long time to heal there as well.
It was also a year of firsts. I don't mean that in a totally negative way, either. Yes, there were the birthdays and holidays we missed with Mom. But there was also the day I was going through my voicemail at work and discovered a message she left me just before my birthday in 2008. In it, she was telling me my birthday cake was ready to be picked up. It was her voice. A gift.
She made it possible for all of our bills to be paid off. What a first that was! Because of her, my sister and I are now closer than we've been in years. We make it a point to meet for coffee once every two weeks. We call and email each other. We're still as different as night and day, but the world needs both of us to go round.
Yesterday I made it a point to talk to Mom and to God. I poured out my hurting heart to them both, and told them it's time to get on with life. And then I told Mom a secret.
She's going to be a great-grandmother again.
Oh, how she would have loved that!
I hope, somehow, she knows.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
A Birthday Remembrance and Update
Today would be Mom's 76th birthday.
She's been gone eight months today.
While the constant crying and ever-present hurt over her loss have lessened, they rear their ugly heads for days at a time when something like this comes up. Sis and I have been in tears for the past week, and somehow the hurt seems fresh all over again.
We finally finished going through everything in the house and had the sale of the remaining belongings in June. Shortly after that we put the house up for sale and it sold within a week. Those weeks were among the hardest I've ever had to go through in my life.
We did it just as she wanted us to. A good part went to charity. The grandchildren got their share of the inheritance as well. We were fair with each other. There was no fighting - no disharmony in the whole process. The one thing she asked is that we not fight when the time came, and we did her proud.
I hope she knows, somehow.
The new owners won't close on the house until September 1st, so Sis and I continue to meet over there weekly for coffee. We still have a very few things to take home and do before we hand it over forever and it becomes "home" to someone else. We want to get some starts from the plants there, dig up a few bulbs, harvest the tomatoes from the one plant that came up on its own in the garden. We've both decided we will probably never drive past the house again after it's sold. It's too painful to think of someone else living there.
There are two pieces of German chocolate cake in the freezer at the house. Mom made them over a year ago, long before the stroke, and tucked them away to enjoy at a later date. It's the same German chocolate cake she made for me every year for my birthday.
Tonight Sis and I will sit down together at the house and have a bite of that cake to remember Mom on her birthday.
I think she'd like it that way.
She's been gone eight months today.
While the constant crying and ever-present hurt over her loss have lessened, they rear their ugly heads for days at a time when something like this comes up. Sis and I have been in tears for the past week, and somehow the hurt seems fresh all over again.
We finally finished going through everything in the house and had the sale of the remaining belongings in June. Shortly after that we put the house up for sale and it sold within a week. Those weeks were among the hardest I've ever had to go through in my life.
We did it just as she wanted us to. A good part went to charity. The grandchildren got their share of the inheritance as well. We were fair with each other. There was no fighting - no disharmony in the whole process. The one thing she asked is that we not fight when the time came, and we did her proud.
I hope she knows, somehow.
The new owners won't close on the house until September 1st, so Sis and I continue to meet over there weekly for coffee. We still have a very few things to take home and do before we hand it over forever and it becomes "home" to someone else. We want to get some starts from the plants there, dig up a few bulbs, harvest the tomatoes from the one plant that came up on its own in the garden. We've both decided we will probably never drive past the house again after it's sold. It's too painful to think of someone else living there.
There are two pieces of German chocolate cake in the freezer at the house. Mom made them over a year ago, long before the stroke, and tucked them away to enjoy at a later date. It's the same German chocolate cake she made for me every year for my birthday.
Tonight Sis and I will sit down together at the house and have a bite of that cake to remember Mom on her birthday.
I think she'd like it that way.
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